


The First Three Times

by quicksilverdeancas (quicksilvermalec), Why_do_you_want_to_know



Series: Discord RPs [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, BY LIKE A LOT, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Castiel and Dean Winchester Being Idiots, Castiel is Older Than Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester Mutual Pining, Consensual Underage Sex, Established Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Eventual Gabriel/Sam Winchester, First Kiss, Fluff, Gabriel is Older Than Sam Winchester, Gabriel is a Novak (Supernatural), Getting Together, Good Older Sibling Gabriel (Supernatural), I'm Not Ashamed, I'm not sorry, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining Castiel, Pining Dean Winchester, SO. MUCH. PINING, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, also Gabriel tries to be moral, and fucking fails, awkward teenagers, discord rp, enjoy, the slowest. burn., very little actual school in this high school AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21762370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilverdeancas, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Why_do_you_want_to_know/pseuds/Why_do_you_want_to_know
Summary: Dean's brother is dating a bitch who's three years older than he? Awesome, just awesome. Especially when that guy graduates and it's no longer legal for them to screw around (not that it stops Sam). So Sam gets a guy (an objectively pretty hot guy) who's three years older than him that he's known for like eight months, and Dean can't get with his best friend of almost a decade?Yeah, that sounds about right. Just Dean's luck.orIn which Dean is pining, and Cas is pining, and EVERYONE IS PINING also they make out a lot. bUt PlAtOnIcAlLy
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Gabriel & Sam Winchester
Series: Discord RPs [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550803
Kudos: 40





	The First Three Times

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Why_do_you_want_to_know](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Why_do_you_want_to_know/gifts).



> God, this was so much fun. I'm just- I'm just so in love with it.
> 
> Summer, my beautiful friend, you're amazing.
> 
> Enjoy!

This is the story of the first three times Dean Winchester kissed Castiel Novak.

The first one was an accident, the second was a misunderstanding, and the third one was totally deliberate and consented to by all involved parties. Dean stopped keeping track after that.

The first one began, he thought, when Sam started dating Gabriel Novak, the third-oldest Novak brother. He started spending a lot of time over at Gabriel's house, and sometimes Gabriel would come over to theirs. Which was worse, because it meant that his one-year-younger brother Castiel, who was in eleventh grade like Dean and followed Gabriel everywhere, came over with him. And then Dean was stuck in a room with him in a pathetic attempt to entertain him while Sam and Gabriel went off to do whatever.

(They were three years apart, and Dean was still a little sick over it, but whatever. If that was how his freshman brother wanted to experiment, whatever. It wouldn't last.)

Cas smiled as he followed Gabe to Sam and Dean's house. Sam was Gabe's boyfriend and although Cas would really rather avoid any of the traumatizing experiences that following Gabe to his boyfriend's house was guaranteed to result in, it was worth it. As soon as Gabe and Sam had wandered off to do _whatever_ they did, Cas was left in a room with Dean.

Dean.

His long-time crush and secret first (and only) love. It wasn't like he was ever going to tell anyone how he felt but being in a room with Dean was enough. Sitting there for some time, together, and doing whatever Dean suggested. Sometimes they watched a movie, sometimes played a card game, sometimes just talked, but today was one of those days when Dean settled on a movie.

As he clicked on **RENT FREE WITH AMAZON PRIME** under the title that read 'Inception (2010)', Dean smiled at his friend. He was lounging on the couch with an unopened bag of Peanut M&Ms. "Hey, you want some popcorn?" he asked, waiting for Cas to settle down next to him. "Can't just eat M&Ms raw, now can ya, they gotta be in somethin'."

Cas smiled as he leaned back in his seat, wishing not for the first time that he and Dean were sitting closer together, close enough that he would be able to feel Dean's heat. But that just wasn't how his life was going to go.

"Yes please," he answered, deciding to ignore the mention of M&Ms being raw. As far as he could tell you couldn't cook M&Ms and mixing them with popcorn didn't actually change anything, but if Dean thought it was important, then it was important.

"I've never seen this movie." He said, nodding towards the TV screen as he picked up the bag of M&Ms.

Dean nodded as he hopped off the couch, snatching the bag out of Cas's hands. "Yeah, well, that's why I picked it." He sprinted into the kitchen and grabbed a bag of popcorn, unpeeling it and sticking it into the microwave. "Two... thirty... START."

He went to stand in the doorway while the popcorn popped. "Leo DiCaprio is... fine, I guess. He's got the least interesting storyline in the whole movie. But there's some real homoerotic subtext going on between Arthur and Eames."

The microwave beeped and he jogged over to pull the popcorn out of it. He poured the M&Ms into it, shook it up really well, and then poured the mixture into a big clear mixing bowl before joining his friend on the couch again.

Cas listened, enraptured, as Dean explained the subtext. He would be sure to look out for that, finding gay subtext always made him feel like he wasn't alone, that he wouldn't be alone forever.

That said, he probably would be if he never got over his love for his friend who would definitely never love him back. Yeah, that could be a problem when you bore in mind the fact that Cas couldn't actually imagine a future with anyone other than Dean. Oh, that was definitely going to be a problem.

Cas smiled as Dean returned with his popcorn and M&M mix, hiding his inner turmoil behind his smile and a handful of snacks.

It would be fine. He could survive a singular movie without going crazy with longing.

Definitely.

Dean smiled as Cas shifted closer to him, their sides barely brushing. Dean tossed Cas his favorite of their blankets, knowing that Cas was always freezing when he came over, and situated the bowl on the couch, wedged between his left leg and Cas's right.

As the movie started, he found himself watching Cas out of the corner of his eye, staring at his profile. He had a very well-formed jaw and beautiful high cheekbones, and Dean couldn't help but think, not for the first time, that he loved him.

Cas could feel himself falling a bit more in love with Dean every time he went over. He could feel Dean's warmth through the small gap between them. Dean remembered to pass him a blanket, knowing that Cas was always cold. He made sure that the snacks were between them, so they could both reach instead of hoarding it himself. Who could blame him for falling in love?

Cas tried to pay attention to the movie, he tried, but Dean was right there, right in the corner of Cas's eye with a soft smile on his face and dazzling eyes. He reached into the bowl for another handful of snacks and froze as instead of meeting popcorn and M&Ms, his hand met warm, soft skin.

Dean gasped involuntarily when he felt Cas's hand brush against his own. He grinned and grabbed one of Cas's fingers, dragging him forward.

The popcorn bowl went flying as Cas lurched forward and Dean fell onto the remote, somehow miraculously pausing the movie. They landed on the floor, Cas on top of Dean, Dean now somehow holding his friend's wrist and before he could stop himself he dragged Cas down into a kiss.

It wasn't a very long kiss; it was barely a brush of lips. But it was a kiss and Dean was fairly certain that Cas had felt it too.

He jumped up immediately, practically throwing Cas off him, and wiped at his mouth with the back of his arm and sleeve. "Shit, fuck, I'm sorry, Cas. I- I'm friggin' sorry."

Cas felt his heart break as Dean pulled away and wiped his mouth. The kiss had been amazing, and for about half a second afterwards he had been able to believe that this could be real. That Dean could love him and they could be together. That they could date and curl up when watching movies and laugh together and hold hands and... be in love.

But no, Dean wiping at his mouth and apologizing made the situation quite clear. Dean had been shocked, they had fallen off the couch, the kiss had just been them bumping into each other.

It meant nothing. So why did Cas's heart break like it had been something?

"It's okay,” he said, trying to keep his voice even as he stood up and tried to figure out what to do, _without_ looking at Dean.

Dean stared at his friend, his eyes boring a hole in his head, _praying_ that he'd reciprocate, but... no. Dean couldn't read his face but the fact that he refused to look at him was an obvious enough cue. He didn't feel that way.

 _It's not okay with you,_ he wanted to scream, but Cas sounded very much like he didn't want to talk about it anymore, and Dean wasn't in a position to risk their relationship any more than he already had.

"A'ight," he muttered, cleaning up the rest of the spilled popcorn just for something to do and then settling back down onto the couch. "You wanna keep watching or do you want to leave? I totally understand..." he trailed off. He understood, yes, but he didn't _want_ Cas to leave.

He was so in love with Cas that it hurt.

Cas flinched at Dean's tone. It was so defeated and Cas just couldn't figure out why. Dean was the one who didn't want this, so why did he sound so sad? Why did he sound like his entire world had just been crushed to the ground?

"I want to keep watching," he replied quickly before stopping himself, “if that's ok with you." Things were already awkward enough - a mix of Dean's disgust and Cas's broken hope - no point sticking around just to go and sit around in awkward silence.

He helped pick up the spilled snacks, making sure to keep as far away from Dean as he could get, while still helping him clean.

He hoped that Dean wouldn't mind, that he would let Cas stay because to be honest, he couldn't think of anything worse than being told to leave now. He had already faced one rejection, any more and he would probably never recover.

Why did he have to fall in love with someone who would never love him back?

Dean felt so much relief when Cas said he wanted to stay that for a second he couldn't breathe. He tried to hide his stupid silly grin as best he could, going to make them more popcorn.

He was never going to mention it again. He was never going to think or talk about that barely-qualifies-as-a-kiss they'd just shared. All that would do was hurt him more, and he didn't have it in him to face that kind of rejection.

He made a (hopefully) reassuring face at Cas and relaxed on the couch again, this time keeping a reasonable amount of space between them. He offered his friend the popcorn bowl like an olive branch, praying that it would serve and they wouldn't have to bring it up again.

Cas sank back into the couch as Dean went to make more popcorn. He tried to stop thinking about the kiss-that-wasn't, but he just couldn't. It was everything he had ever wanted, but it was a mistake and it nearly messed up their entire friendship. They could never be together.

When Dean sat back down, he left what probably counted as a normal amount of space between them, but to Cas it felt like the Grand Canyon, it felt like the distance to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, it felt like infinity.

He sighed silently, as he accepted a handful of popcorn which Dean had offered him. He wanted to mention their almost kiss, enacted to asked Dean if it had really disgusted him _that_ mush and maybe just say sorry, but he couldn't. He couldn't hear how much Dean had hated it and make it out alive.

Dean took a small handful of popcorn and shoved it into his mouth as he watched the Ariadne montage, but he quickly decided he wasn't hungry - popcorn had somehow lost all appeal to him - and handed his friend the entire bowl. Without tearing his eyes away from the screen.

He was so focused on the movie he could probably quote every single Tom Hardy line if he wanted to. Which... at least Tom Hardy was hot, but he was gravitating a little more towards Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He tried to ignore the fact that he had black hair and blueish eyes. _That has nothing to do with it_ , he told himself. _Nothing._

Cas frowned as the entire bowl of popcorn was pushed into his hands. This wasn't like Dean. Dean could eat forever and he never gave up the bowl of popcorn; if anything it was more likely to go the other way around, normally Cas gave up on the snacks and gave them all to Dean.

He knew he was staring, but he couldn't help himself. Something was up with Dean, and something in his heart told him it may be something to do with their kiss-which-wasn't.

Dean could feel his heart beating so much faster than it should be and idly wondered how he hadn't suffered from cardiac arrest yet. He glanced to the side and saw Cas looking at him, and then he just couldn't look away. The movie played on behind them, and Dean and Cas kept staring at each other, and for a brief moment, Dean thought _I'm gonna kiss him again._

Then his little brother came banging down the stairs with his stupid senior boyfriend in tow, shouting, "hey, Cas, Gabe's heading out now," and then _kissing_ the stupid blond _right in front of Dean_ and _full on the fucking mouth_ and Dean made a disgusted sound and looked away. And just like that, the moment was shattered.

Thank fucking God, because if it'd gone on a split-second longer Dean would have kissed Cas again and then Cas would have deserted him and he would have had to feel the pain of that rejection forever.

Dean was just an emotionally fragile 17-year-old panicked gay. What was he supposed to do?

For a moment, Cas thought that Dean was going to kiss him. Now that he was in Gabe's car, thinking back on it, it had been a stupid thought. The first kiss had been a mistake, so why on earth would Dean kiss him again?

That didn't stop the thought from spinning around his head, messing him up and - worst of all - giving him hope. Hope was the worst thing imaginable in this situation, because if you hope then you can't move on.

Gabriel tried to start up a conversation, tried to ask him how his 'date' had been and whether he had enjoyed he movie.

Cas just told him to shut up and went back to his brooding. He felt like a 13-year-old girl with a crush, which was very inaccurate. He was actually a 17-year-old disaster gay, who had a crush on his best friend. See, there was a huge difference.

That said... He did feel about a small sidestep away from that flower petal 'he loves me, he loves me not' game, which was not a good idea. He would have to just make sure to go either forwards or backwards, not sideways.

Dean sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face as soon as the two of them were gone. Sam gave him a look and joined him on the couch. "Dude, what's up? You're brooding, you never do that."

Dean tossed him a bitchface and replied, "yeah, well. I'm a fricking dumbass who's in love with my best friend, just kissed him, and now he's trying to get as far away from me as possible. So... yeah, I'm fucking brooding."

Sam laughed. "You kissed Cas? That's good, right?"

"No!" Dean shouted. "It's not good, because Cas doesn't want that with me. He's too good for me."

"Dean, there's nobody in the world who's too good for you." Sam frowned. 'Cas doesn't want that with me'... that didn't seem right to him. He was pretty sure Cas liked his big brother right back.

The second time they kissed was a misunderstanding. Cas was fairly sure this one started because of a new years tradition and a bit of miscommunication. Ok, a lot of miscommunication. But it was also a bit because of meddling brothers, not just a lack of words.

Dean couldn't get the thought of kissing Cas out of his head. For some reason, he'd always been able to suppress it, but now... now that the floodgates had been opened, he couldn't force that shit back in anymore.

He wanted to kiss his friend. He wanted to kiss him _for real_ , with teeth and tongue and hands in hair - the whole package. Preferably while kinda naked. And then... orgasms. Or something.

By the time the new school year started, Gabriel was working in a candy shop, still grinning his fantastic grin at Sam and giving him free chocolate, but he didn't come over to Dean's house to... whatever it was he used to do with Sam anymore. Most of the time, when he did come over, the four of them all hung out together. Damn him for graduating.

By the tenth day of Winter Break, Dean was missing Cas intensely.

Cas kicked the curb gloomily as he hopped out of the car and started up the drive towards the Winchester's house. Now that the four of them spent the time hanging out together, he didn't have any time just him and Dean and that was annoying him.

Sitting with just Dean had been the highlight of his week and now it was gone. Sure, he still saw Dean all the time, but it wasn't the same. It didn't have the same.... _intimacy_ as it used to have, and they both appeared to barely be able to look each other in the eyes since the whole kiss fiasco.

Oh, and that was the other problem. Cas just couldn't get he thought of kissing Dean out if his mind. He couldn't stop thinking about crowding Dean against a wall and kissing him senseless. Yeah, that definitely wasn't what normal people thought about their best friends but here he was.

Dean jumped when the knock came. Nobody came over to their house without notice anymore, and Sam was in his room doing homework, which meant he wouldn't have invited Gabriel over. (Why he had to do homework over Winter Break, Dean had no idea, but he assumed it was extra-credit because his brother was a nerdy little shit.)

He sprinted over to the door and glanced through the window and- standing there, on his front porch, was his best friend, whom he hadn't seen in a couple of weeks. He scrambled to open the door for him.

Cas stood outside the door, waiting for it to open and wondering what excuse he would use. Sure, he didn't have the excuse of Gabe dragging him over anymore, and he was also an awful liar, but Dean was his best friend. That was enough of a reason to go over wasn't it? He was bored and wanted to get a coffee and was wondering if Dean was also bored and wanted to join him.

And he definitely wasn't going to pretend it was a date in his head.

Nope.

He smiled, waiting for the door to open and for him to use his excuse.

Of course, though, as soon as the door swung open and he was faced with the beautiful face of Dean Winchester, his words dried up and he was just left there clasping and unclasping his hands and stuttering a quick, "h-h-hey."

It was weird, he had never been this awkward around his best friend, but that was what had happened since the not-quite-kiss. It was a problem to say the least.

Cas was stammering and awkward, and Dean could only assume it was because he was trying to ignore the fact that he now knew Dean was hopelessly in love with him. He suppressed his defeated sigh and murmured, "what's up, Cas? It's been a while."

Wow, that was a stupid fucking thing to say. He should shut his mouth before he embarrassed himself any further.

Cas took a deep breath, the defeated look in Dean's eyes giving him the confidence he needed to continue. "nothing, I was just wondering if you want to go for a coffee." He said with a smile, before realizing that his true intent was showing a little too clearly, "not like - as a date or anything." He quickly said, "there's just a new coffee shop I was thinking of checking out." That sounded truthful enough didn't it? Probably. He didn't know, but he hoped Dean wasn't too suspicious and would just say yes.

He just needed Dean to say yes.

 _Not as a date_.

Those words bounced around in his head. For half a second he'd thought _maybe_ Cas was asking him out, but that was ridiculous - Cas didn't like him that way. _Not as a date. I don't want to be with you like that. You're a fuckup._

Okay, so some of that was Dean's brain, but he could hear it in the undertones of Cas's words.

Despite that, though... it was free time with his best friend and huge crush.

He swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah, sure. Let's get going."

Cas smiled as soon as Dean agreed, thank goodness. He wasn't sure he would have been able to survive much longer apart from his ~~true love~~ best friend.

He couldn't help but notice some form of self-doubt bouncing around inside Dean's eyes, but he must be mistaken, Dean was he most confident person he knew, why would he be doubting himself?

"Come on, it's only a short walk." He said, starting walking back down Dean's drive.

"Great," Dean mumbled distractedly, trying to think about anything besides how intensely Cas's piercing blue eyes were focused on him, how his dark windblown hair made him look like he'd just gotten fucked within an inch of his life, how plush and pink his lips were.

He shook himself and made to follow his friend.

Cas tried not to let his heart sink at Dean's tone. He sounded so bored, like he wanted to be anywhere but here. Of course Dean didn't truly want to be here, he had probably just figured out that Cas liked him and was trying to humor him.

And the worst part? Cas was happy to let himself be humored, if it allowed himself to pretend for just a moment that Dean actually liked him.

Dean wasn't sure how he was going to get through this. If he was forced to sit across from Cas and drink coffee with him and _not flirt at all_ and pretend that he didn't want to kiss him... again... for real this time... he might go insane.

But as they entered the coffee shop he solidified his resolve. Cas was his friend and he was making an effort to continue to be his friend even though he knew about Dean's feelings, so he could put that all on hold and extend the same courtesy. For _Cas_.

Cas wandered up to the counter, ordering their drinks as well as a slice of cake for him and a slice of apple pie for Dean. Once he had everything, he turned around, seeing Dean sitting at a table for two, staring into space. For a second, as he walked over, Cas allowed his heart to indulge. To pretend that they were in the coffee shop on a date as more than friends.

Wouldn't that be great?

Shaking the thoughts from his head, he arrived at the table, handing over the coffee and pie while trying not to blush when their hands touched.

Dean watched in fascination as Cas's face flushed, his cheeks turning a little bit pink, when Dean's fingers brushed against the back of his hand to take his pie. Dean smiled at him gratefully before taking a swig of his coffee to hide the blush he was almost positive had formed on his own face.

"I, uh..." He paused, not sure how to finish his sentence without sounding weird. He floundered for a second before settling on, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." Cas replied, hoping that his voice didn't shake too much and reveal his true feelings. Missing Dean didn't even begin to explain how he'd been feeling the last couple of weeks.

"What have you been doing these last couple of weeks?" He asked, trying to start up a casual conversation and hoping that if he started a conversation Dean wouldn't have time to notice his awkward blush.

Dean shrugged. "Not much. Fixed up a couple people's cars, bought some presents for Sammy-" _and you, not that I thought I'd have a chance to give them to you_ "decorated the tree... belted some Christmas songs. I woke Sam up with 'White Christmas' on full-blast at 3 am more than a few times." He laughed.

"You?"

Cas laughed along with Dean as he heard about Dean's holidays. Dean could always make him laugh, even when he was talking about the most mundane of stuff.

"The usual, I got pranked by Gabe, argued with Raph and Mike, decorated the tree, had a family meal, bought some presents. Nothing as exciting as yours."

Ok, so it wasn't the complete truth. He left out the part where he pined over Dean, couldn't stop thinking about their not kiss, and spent 2 hours trying to figure out the perfect gift for his best friend.

Dean grinned at Cas. He couldn't help it; he was just so beautiful. "I haven't done _anything_ exciting, what are you talking about? You call getting myself covered in grease and buying gifts for my asshole of a baby brother _exciting_? Man, I obviously haven't showed you enough of a good time yet-"

He clamped his mouth shut to cut off the stream of words he couldn't seem to contain. That _definitely_ sounded like a sexual innuendo, no matter how innocently it was intended. If Cas didn't know before, he probably did now.

Cas tried to pull his head out of the gutter at the mention of Dean covered in grease. He had just managed when Dean's comments about a good time send it flying straight back in.

Well... it was anything but straight.

He knew that Dean just meant it innocently. He didn't like Cas like that, Cas was just projecting, but even that information did nothing to stop the thoughts and feelings which came from a comment like that.

"Sorry," Dean muttered awkwardly, trying to backtrack. "I, uh. That's not what I meant. Uh..." Abruptly, he stood up. "Let's go back home. You want to stay over? We can watch really bad Christmas romcoms and make popcorn messes and annoy the fuck outta Sammy. Tomorrow's penultimate Christmas Eve, you can just stay with us until Christmas morning if you want."

"Yeah, let's go," Cas said quickly, trying to hide the fact he was creeping on his best friend, from his best friend. "I'd love to watch some romcoms, but I won't be able to stay over." How could he stay over? Could you imagine that, Cas sleeping in the same house as Dean? That would be torture.

Even as the words left his lips he knew Cas would say no. Cas knew how Dean felt, and he'd feel _so_ awkward sleeping next to him. He'd probably think Dean was going to molest him or something.

As they made their way back to the house, walking in silence, he berated himself for being such an idiot.

Cas didn't know what to do. He wanted to talk, he didn't care about what, just anything to break the silence and get a smile back on Dean's face, but he couldn't think of what he could possibly say.

The silence was oppressive, like a weight on both of their shoulders stopping them from breaking it.

Dean's face was blank, empty, hollow. Cas couldn't quite figure out what to make of it. Was it bad? Was he just overreacting?

At least he would be spending the rest of the day watching movies with Dean, if something was wrong he would be able to figure it out then.

The silence didn't get broken all the way until they arrived at Dean's house. Cas spent most of that time worrying over Dean and wondering whether he had somehow figured out what Cas had been thinking. Maybe he was regretting inviting Cas over for movies, maybe he thought Cas was going to try something.

He would never break Dean's trust like that, but that didn't necessarily mean Dean knew that.

When they got back to the house, Dean found Sam, dragged him downstairs, and asked whether they wanted to marathon Harry Potter or Star Wars, holding up the Blu-Ray first movie of each (Sorcerer's Stone and New Hope respectively).

Sam threw in his vote for Star Wars and they both turned to Cas expectantly.

"What's Star Wars?” he asked, confusion coloring his tone. He had heard about it, a couple of times, but he had never seen it or heard what it was about. He had only heard about it in passing a couple of times.

"You've never heard of _Star Wars_?" Dean demanded. He glanced at Sam, whose eyes were bulging out of his head. He looked basically like Dean felt. "Okay, that settles that." He stuck the Blu-Ray into the DVD player and tossed himself onto the couch between his brother and best friend.

"Star Wars, you poor sad boy who's completely missed out on childhood, is about FIGHTING in SPACE. It's pretty self-explanatory. One part stars, one part wars, all parts awesome."

"Oh. Ok." Cas muttered, squinting at the screen as though if he stared long enough the answers would suddenly review themselves to him. They didn't, but he didn't quickly see what Dean meant. There were lots of stars. And wars. Yea, it turned out it was pretty self-explanatory.

He used 80% of his focus on the movie, trying to keep up, but there was always that annoying 20% which would never stray away from Dean. It focuses on his warmth and his proximity and his smell and his smile and the excited glint in his eye.

And even though he tried not to, he felt himself fall a little deeper in love.

Dean didn't need to pay too much attention to the movie - he'd seen it enough times he could probably quote it in his sleep - so he got up and did things while it was going. Grabbed stuff for Sam, refilled Cas's snacks, went to the bathroom. And he noticed the way that Cas's eyes kept seeming to follow him.

He smiled at it, even though it didn't mean what he wanted it to mean. He could pretend.

That little awed look on Cas's face as he watched the lightsaber duels. The way he gasped when Obi-Wan died. The way he laughed at 'into the garbage chute, flyboy!'. They all solidified in Dean's mind what he'd already known.

This man was an angel, and he was hopelessly in love with him.

The movie ended way too soon in Cas's opinion. He wished he could just stay, but he didn't trust himself and he didn't want to make Dean uncomfortable, so he just sighed and started standing up, slowly collecting up his stuff.

"Bye," he said with an almost real smile as he started walking out the door.

He knew he couldn't stay, but that didn't stop the ache in his heart as he left. He really was too far gone, especially for someone who couldn't love him back. This was only going to get his heart broken, but even knowing that he couldn't stop himself.

"Cas, wait!" Dean shouted. He couldn't let Cas leave. When Cas glanced at him, he said, "it's hardly a marathon if you only watch one movie. We can watch Empire and Jedi as well, and if you want Force Awakens and Last Jedi."

Cas sighed in relief. He didn't have to go. He could stay sitting on the comfy couch with Dean in his peripheral vision and watch Dean's face break into smiles as he mouthed the words.

Yeah, he was definitely staying.

"Sure." He said with a smile as he walked back in, dripping back onto the couch.

"Want some food?" Dean offered. He was aware that Sam was there, too, but he was asking Cas. "I can make nachos. I have a killer guac recipe."

_Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes. Anything to keep him here._

"I'd love that." Cas said with a smile, even while his mind was screaming something completely different.

_I love you. I love you. Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou._

It would be so easy, open his mouth, say the words. Done. But if he did that anything could happen. Dean could throw him out. He could die of embarrassment. Dean could hate him.

The risk just wasn't worth it.

"Great. Sit back down, I'll start the movie. I think I can quote the scrawl by heart so I'll shout it at you guys while I get the chips in the oven." Dean was grinning way too widely as he practically _bounced_ into the kitchen, grabbing the remote and switching over to _Empire Strikes Back_.

He distributed a layer of chips onto a cookie sheet and made good on his promise, choosing to do his "I'm Reading a Star Wars Crawl" voice as he recited it off, which was just his normal voice but deeper and with better annunciation. And slightly British.

"It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy..."

Cas followed Dean's advice, sitting back and watching the movie start playing, (and watching Dean as he bounced into the kitchen but who could blame him, Dean was just adorable.)

He heard the rustle and clang of Dean sorting out the chips and, as the movie started playing, Dean's voice.

He was putting on a slightly deeper voice, but the thing which really got to Cas was just the fact it was his voice, and Dean wouldn't see him. Obviously Sam was in the room but apparently his self-preservation instincts didn't care about that and just let him sink into the sofa, letting the movie and the sound of Dean's voice lull him into a puddle of mush.

Dean was in and out for the first fifteen minutes of the movie but once the guac was done, he brought entire meal into the living room at once. He handed a plate to Sammy on the floor and put his own on the table next to his seat before going back for Cas's nachos. Cas was eyeing them with a look that said 'this smells delicious' and also 'I didn't know you could cook'.

Fuck, he was so in love.

Cas nearly died when he first tried Dean's nacho recipe. It was... positively _sinful_ and Cas couldn't help but fall a bit more in love. What could he do? Dean was just perfect. He was passionate, he could cook, he wasn’t exactly an eyesore, he loved his family, and was loyal to a fault. Who wouldn’t want to stay with him forever?

This movie went by almost as quickly as the first one, but this time before Cas could even think about standing up, Dean had changed into the next movie and they continued their marathon.

Cas could feel his eyelids growing heavy but did little to stop them as he slowly tilted to the side and drifted towards Dean. He was too tired to fight, he was too cozy to fight, he was too happy to fight. He just allowed himself to slowly drift off.

Dean watched fondly as Cas fell asleep and subconsciously curled into his side. He didn't realize he was staring until Sam spoke.

"You're in love with him." It wasn't a question. Dean sighed.

"Yeah," he admitted. He lifted one hand to gently brush a strand of hair out of Cas's face. His head was resting on Dean's shoulder and his entire left side was pressed against Dean's right, from shoulder to ankle.

"You should tell him," his brother suggested.

"No," Dean murmured. "I love you, Sam, but no."

Sam made a disappointed sound. "I know you think I'm an idiot but I'm not," he muttered, then turned back to the movie, leaving Dean to try and figure out what the fuck he meant by that.

Cas woke slowly, his entire left side was deliciously warm and he couldn't remember ever waking up feeling this happy and safe. Also his back ached. It took him a moment to figure out why he was feeling such a mix of pain and comfort. Once he did figure it out, he just froze.

He had fallen asleep, leaning against Dean. And Dean hadn't pushed him away? Dean appeared to be asleep as well, but there was a blanket over them and Sam was nowhere in sight.

He thought about getting up and going looking for Sam or even just leaving before his brain got any ideas, but he barely even let the thought settle before he pushed it away. He had more important things on his mind, like going back to sleep.

Dean shifted, eyes opening slowly, and the first thing he saw was Cas. His blue eyes were filmy and tired, and he looked barely awake. Dean smiled.

"Hey," he croaked. Cas just shook his head and shifted so his back was against Dean's chest and they were laying across the couch, and Dean accepted that. He'd take the comfort for what it was - friendship. It was so much better than getting nothing.

Cas smiled as he lay there. Dean was warm against his back and he swore this was the longest he'd been able to stay in 'bed' for years. Normally he was up as soon as he was awake, but the knew that snuggling up with Dean was going to be a one time thing so he was going to make the most of it.

He waited for the inevitable moment that Dean would wake up enough to realize what was happening, but it never did. They stayed lying there, in silent companionship, until Cas heard footsteps start to approach coming from the kitchen.

"Aww, they're so cute," Sam cooed mockingly as he made his way through the living room with his soda can. "Soft boyfriends." He was smirking, and before Dean could come after him, he sprinted up the stairs.

"Uh..." Dean muttered. "Sorry, Cas. I don't- he doesn't- he's just joking." He had to defend himself or Cas might take it the wrong way, might figure it out, and he might lose him. He couldn't do that. He couldn't lose him.

Cas smiled softly, as he said, "it's ok." He wanted to say more. To say, _I know you could never like me like that_ or something, _anything_ , but the words were stuck in his throat and all he could do was smile and nod.

It hurt, a physical kind of hurt, to hear Dean get so defensive over them dating or not. But he had to ignore it. Because Dean didn't like him like that and they. Weren't. Dating. At all. They never would be. Cas just had to get used to that.

"Should we go get breakfast?" He asked, already standing up. He knew that if he stayed lying there with Dean for much longer, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from leaning up and kissing him.

Dean felt the whole world come to a grinding halt around him as he looked into Cas's deep ocean blue eyes. He was smiling a gentle little smile at him, and Dean realized just how easy it was to fool himself into thinking they really _were_ boyfriends, that Cas would _ever_ want him like that. Cause when he looked at Dean like _that_ , well... Dean didn't have much self-restraint, and it was so incredibly difficult to keep himself from leaning forward and capturing that little smile with his own lips.

And then Cas was standing up, deliberately avoiding looking at Dean, and oh. _Oh._ Dean fucked up. He was going to kiss him, and Cas knew that, and _fuck_. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Dean cleared his throat, trying to keep the heartbreak out of his tone as much as possible, and replied. "Uh, yeah, sure," he mumbled, barely audible, barely keeping his level head.

_Why is this my life?_

Cas couldn't stop smiling throughout breakfast, but he knew that he had to go home now. He already knew that spending any more time around Dean would be incredibly dangerous. He had only just been able to stop himself from kissing Dean before, he didn't know he would be able to do stop it again. How on Earth could one man look so cute with his face stuffed with pancakes!?

"I actually have to go now." Cas said with a laugh as he gathered his things together and started towards the door, "I'll see you at New Year’s." And then he was gone. He had actually managed to get out the door this time! He was really winning at this whole thing wasn't he?

He instantly missed Dean, but he knew not to think about it too much. He had to get used to it, because it wasn't like he was ever going to get a chance to actually have Dean like that the way he wanted to, no matter how much he wanted to.

Dean watched with this feeling of depression as Cas almost sprinted out the door. He knew, Dean was sure of it. He could see in his eyes the fear and disgust when he'd looked at him earlier, like he was a horrific creature for falling in love with his best friend, like he needed to escape him as soon as possible.

Well, at least he was going to come over New Year's Eve to have champagne and watch the ball drop. Or... cider, he supposed, cause Cas wasn't really an alcohol kind of guy.

Dean needed to learn to live with his feelings ASAP, or he was going to lose everything to the beautiful boy with the soft black hair and the cerulean blue eyes and the bright smile. He was going to lose it all.

And he was going to like it.

Barely a second seemed to pass before it was suddenly New Year’s Eve. Cas was just a big bundle of nerves, self-hatred and repressed love, practically incapable of functioning, literally _shaking_ with it. He desperately wanted to tell Dean how he felt, but he didn't want to ruin their friendship. He didn't want to make things awkward.

He smiled as he arrived at Dean's house. He and Gabe had promised to spend New Year's with Dean and Sam long before this whole fiasco, and although Cas had thought about pulling out, Gabe hadn't given him a chance.

He took a deep breath. All he needed to do was get through this one night without ruining anything. He could do this.

The doorbell rang and Dean was so nervous he slopped Martinelli's everywhere. "Fuck," he muttered. "Sammy, come clean this up, I gotta get the door!" Sam came bounding down the stairs and grabbed some paper towels and Dean muttered, "thanks bitch."

"Go greet your boyfriend, jerk," Sam shot back as he wiped up the mess on the table.

"He ain't my boyfriend, Sam!" Dean answered indignantly, just seconds before he pulled the door open. "Heya Cas, Gabe, how's your New Year's Eve goin?"

Cas couldn't stop his huge smile when he saw Dean. He knew he needed to stop it, if he kept going like this, everyone would figure out how he felt and then he would lose his best friend. He couldn't let that happen.

"It's going great thanks." Cas replied with a smile as Dean ushered them into the entrance.

Gabe nodded a hello to Dean before disappearing off in the direction Cas assumed Sam was.

"How about you?" He asked, partly to continue the conversation but also because he would happily listen to Dean talk forever. Despite what Dean thought, he actually had a ton of cool and insightful stuff to say, which Cas just loved finding.

He just loved everything about Dean, and he wanted to tell him, but doing that could lose him his best friend and just the thought of that made him feel sick. 

"It's a'ight. We just kinda chilled all day. Finished that Star Wars marathon - without you, I might add," he pointed out, raising his eyebrows at Cas like he expected an explanation. "It wasn't as fun."

He shrugged. "Anyway, Sammy's been waiting for Gabe all frickin' day, and I been waitin' for you. Let's have dinner and then we can just hang out until the ball drop. Sound good?"

"Sounds great." Cas said simply but his mind was whirring.

Dean's wording, his tone, it almost sounded like –

No. Cas was just getting over excited over nothing. Dean was waiting for him all day because they were good friends. The marathon wasn't as fun because he had seen it so many times, he probably enjoyed watching someone watch it for the first time.

It was nothing. But Cas's mind couldn't stop twisting it until it meant everything.

"Hey, Cas? Ground control to Major Castiel?" When Cas finally made his little inquisitive head-tilt, Dean sighed with relief. "Where'd you go, buddy?"

"Oh sorry, I was just lost in thought." Cas said with a blush, despite trying to fight it. "Come on." They walked slowly towards the sound of voices, Cas allows his thoughts to drift but this time made sure he wouldn't accidently zone out and confuse his best friend.

He needed to stop doing that too. So far he had smiling widely just because he had seen Dean and zoning out. One of these days Dean was going to ask him what he was thinking about and wouldn't that just be awkward. He had the oddest feeling that 'you' isn't really the socially acceptable answer to that kind of question.

 _God, he's so cute,_ Dean thought dreamily.

Cas was blushing, and he seemed to be almost all the time. It was freaking adorable. Dean had long since figured out he had a secret crush, and he blushed whenever he thought about him. (Dean always used he/him pronouns for people Cas was crushing on in his head ever since he’d come out as gay.) It was a little sad, though, because it meant Dean had to go on and struggle through the pain of liking a guy who liked someone else. "That's fine," Dean muttered, taking Cas by the arm and leading him to the table. "I made chili dogs, they'll be ready in like five minutes. I'll dish 'em up and go grab Sammy and Gabe and we'll get this show on the road!" He tried to put up a reassuring smile, to mask the hurt he was feeling from the wound that _he'd_ reopened.

Cas couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with Dean. He was sure there was a better descriptive word out there, but all he could think of was wrong.

Weird. Odd. Off. Wrong.

It was something in Dean's eyes. He just seemed so - so sad. He was smiling in the way which suggested it was just a mask. He was saying he was 'fine' which even Cas, the socially awkward and oblivious idiot, knows is worse than 'awful'. He looked sad and like he was trying to struggle through something.

Cas hated it.

He wished that he could just take Dean's pain away. He would even take it for himself if that was what it needed.

Unfortunately, there was no magic in their world which could take someone's pain. He still wished there was. He would give anything for Dean and probably smile as he did so.

They ate dinner in comfortable camaraderie, talking and joking and laughing, and Dean could almost pretend this was what he wanted it to be. He pretended for a few minutes that he and Cas were together and this was two couples eating together, enjoying each other's company, being a family.

And then they all ended up on the couch, Dean sandwiched between Sam, who was already getting taller than he, and Cas, who was pressed up against his hip, and _fuck_. He was so close. It would be so easy to...

"Guys, let's toast!" he shouted, grabbing his champagne flute and standing up so he didn't have to sit that close to his best friend anymore. "To 2020!"

"To 2020!" they echoed, Sam grinning wide and flushed, Gabriel laughing at him, Cas looking subdued.

"To not being idiots!"

"Like that's gonna happen," Sam muttered into the rim of his glass, and Gabe elbowed him in the ribs.

"To Cas cause he's awesome!" He held up his glass in Cas's direction, smiling at his friend.

"Castiel!" Sam and Gabe cried in unison, followed by Dean's hearty cheer of, "hear hear!" He downed all of his champagne at once and poured himself some more and then they were counting down.

"TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! Happy New Year!" they all screamed at the same time, and Sam grabbed his boyfriend and laid one on him. On a whim, Dean pulled Cas's face between his hands and kissed him hard, for real, knowing this was it, this was what he would get. It was more of a real kiss than the one they'd shared all those months ago in May, and it was so _good_.

He bit back the 'I love you' that was just resting on his tongue.

Cas froze. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to react. He didn't know how to feel. He was stone still. Not kissing back but not pulling away. Just stuck in the limbo of wanting to kiss Dean, but not wanting to take advantage of his friend.

This was everything he'd ever wanted, but he knew Dean didn't want the same. So what was going on? The first time this had happened, it had been an accident, so maybe this was the same?

Yes. That was it. Dean just reached and grabbed the closest person to kiss because it was tradition. That was all.

Cas spared just a moment to wonder why he was so desperate not to have this, but before he got the answer, he felt Dean pulling back. Dean was pulling back. It was over and it would never happen again.

Dean started to pull away, already knowing he was going to blame it on the late hour and the alcohol even though in the back of his mind he knew he'd done that _just because he wanted to_.

Sam was smirking at him from the couch and Dean pointedly avoided his eyes. That was it. The only real kiss he and Cas would ever share. The end. He'd never get to feel those soft lips against his own ever again, never get to run his tongue along Cas's teeth, never get to lick into the wet warmth he craved-

This was not a helpful line of thought. Time to compartmentalize and repress all of this.

"Hope you didn't mind that, Cas," he muttered, laughing awkwardly. "I, uh... ball drop, it's late, and I'm a little tipsy. Sorry."

Cas felt disappointment flood out any joy which he may have felt left over from the kiss. He didn't know why, after all he knew that Dean didn't mean it. It was just his stupid heart taking hit after hit but refusing to stay down.

"It's fine." Cas muttered quickly, making sure both his tone and his face were even and not showing any hint of how he was feeling. It wouldn't do to let his mask slip and lose everyone he cared about.

Despite all of that, though... he couldn't help the warmth that bloomed in his chest from the sound of Dean's laugh, despite how awkward it was. He was really too far gone wasn't he? Too far out to sea to swim back to shore. Too far fallen to be caught.

Dean was drowning.

He was drowning in Cas's eyes, in his smile, in the little tics he didn't realize he had. He was drowning in the barely noticeable disappointment on Cas's face - he was obviously making an effort to conceal it - that he wouldn't even realize was there if he hadn't been training himself to be able to read him for years.

Dean was drowning.

Dean was drowning in the fact that no matter what he did, he'd never be good enough for Castiel. Dean was drowning in the fact that he hated himself so much it'd be damn near impossible for anyone else to do anything but hate him. Dean was drowning...

Dean was drowning in love.

Cas blinked. Then blinked again. Then one more time just to be sure.

There was that look on Dean's face again. The one that kept on popping up and then disappearing before Cas could properly figure out what it was.

He could see it now. Clear as day.

It was everything he never wanted to see on Dean.

Self-hatred, regret, shame, doubt, fear.

And he suddenly realized something. He suddenly realized that he would give the world just to see Dean smile, and maybe Dean couldn't love him back, but he would do anything he could to keep Dean smiling.

And one day, he would tell Dean. Not today, but maybe sometime this year he would be able to get up the courage to be honest with his best friend. Maybe.

"What's everyone's New Year’s resolutions?" he asked, thinking to himself as he did so. _Mine is to finally tell you the truth, Dean Winchester._

 _To kiss you again,_ Dean thought but didn't say. _To tell you that I love you and let myself get rejected._

_I know you didn't want that kiss._

"Well, I have a whole list," Sam started, and Dean rolled his eyes.

"Of course you do, you big nerd."

Sam glared at him. " _And,_ the one that's right at the top is to have a better relationship with my brother."

Dean stopped breathing. "Oh."

"Oh, I'll jump on that train," Gabe announced from where he was cuddled into Sam's side. "Also to cut back on the candy."

Dean cleared his throat. "Uh... I dunno, can't think of any right now. You?"

"Umm, none right now," Cas lied quickly. "I was planning on stealing an idea from one of you but I think my relationship with my brother is as fine as it want it to be and I don't have a candy problem." He glared at his brother as he said the last bit. He still hadn't gotten over the amount of times Gabe had stolen his candy or chocolates.

Dean laughed at Cas's honesty. "It's a'ight, Cas, we aren't all always the picture of self-improvement. Long as you swear you ain't gonna leave me I'm good. You guys good?" He glanced at Sam and Gabriel despite not really wanting to include them in the conversation. They both nodded and waved at him dismissively before continuing their quiet conversation.

Dean was good as long as Cas didn't leave him.

Cas knew it was just a simple statement, but his brain decided to just be annoying and interpret as... something else.

~~It sounded like something you would say to your significant other. Telling them not to break up with you.~~

"Hey Dean?" he said, deciding that he wasn't even going to go near Sam and Gabe's conversation. _I love you._ "Can we put on a movie?"

"It's pretty late, man, you sure you don't want to go to bed? By the way, happy January," he added, grinning to hide his discomfort. He kept saying stupid shit like "long as you don't leave me I'm good". He kept saying stupid things that made him sound like he was dating Cas. Which didn't help the fact that he really _wanted_ to be. Or the fact that he was probably being really obvious about the fact that he was in love with him.

He just wanted to get over his stupid crush.

"Yeah, that's a good point." Cas muttered, muffling a yawn behind his hand. "Happy January. How is it 2020? Is this even a real year?" As he spoke he could hear his words start to slur and before he even realized it he was falling asleep. He really needed to be more careful about this whole falling asleep next to Dean thing. It happened a worryingly frequent amount.

Wow, Cas falling asleep against him was becoming a common occurrence. Jeez. That shouldn't affect him as much as it did.

"Night, baby," he whispered. As soon as the words had left his lips he wanted to take them back, and Sam and Gabriel's incredulous stares weren't helping. After a minute, he met their eyes. "I meant to say 'buddy', okay?"

The third time they kissed was a bit more complicated. But it was also do much less complicated than all the others at the same time. It was completely consensual and - for the first time - they both actually meant to do it. There were no lucky accidents, just actual communication and a conspiring lesbian.

And isn't that how all the best things start?

Before you can understand the events that led to the kiss, you have to understand a few things about the aforementioned conspiring lesbian.

Charlie Bradbury was a freshman - the youngest person in their friend group, even younger than Sam. She was an absolute fucking genius, though, and she passed all her classes with flying fucking colors. (She was also passing some of Dean's classes for him, not that he'd admit it to anyone. He had a bad boy reputation to keep up, he couldn't let it get out that he had straight As, even involuntarily.) Dean liked to joke that Charlie was the little sister he'd never wanted, and Sam often agreed.

She was very good at doing illegal things, even as a fifteen-year-old. She could hack into almost anything. She liked roleplay - the sexy kind _and_ the nerdy kind. And she was a ginger, which is irrelevant but awesome.

She was also privy to Dean's status as both Gay Disaster and the school's leading Panicked Gay.

So when they got back to school after Winter Break, the first thing she did was ask him, "have you hooked up with Cas yet?"

"Dude, no," he muttered. "Cas doesn't feel like that about me." He paused. "I have kissed him twice, though."

"Ooooooh." Charlie said with a wide grin, her eyes sparkling in delight. She had been trying to get Dean and Cas together for _literally_ as long as she had known them.

She had taken one look at the two of them, her gaydar had gone off, and she had just thought, _yup, they need to end up together._

"Spill these kiss stories!" she laughed, jokingly punching Dean in the arm as she did so. She wanted to argue about how Cas definitely liked him - had he seen how Cas looked at him- but she knew by now that Dean was too stubborn to listen to reason.

Dean laughed too, although reluctantly. "It's not that big a deal, Red," he muttered. "First time was a total accident. We were just screwing around during a movie marathon and like, play fighting and he rolled on top of me. It barely even counts as a kiss. Other one was on New Year's, when the ball dropped. I am 100% blaming that one on being drunk."

She groaned. "My guy, you _cannot_ do this to yourself! You just gotta get out there and put your heart on the line!"

He stared at her coldly, unimpressed. "Char, have you ever been dumped? Or rejected? You are a chick _magnet_ and there's nobody who doesn't want to tap that at least a little bit." He held up his thumb and forefinger less than an inch apart to prove his point. "So you don't know my pain. You don't understand why I gotta pine in silence forever."

"Hey guys, what are you talking about?" Cas asked, walking over agonizingly slowly. All he wanted to do was run over and pull Dean into a tight hug, but he couldn't do that because they were just friends. Nothing more.

He ignored the look Charlie shot Dean; he was way too used to Charlie's weird reactions to look into them. She was just like that.

"Nothing," Dean replied too quickly, trying to act normal. Thankfully, Charlie saved him from the unconvinced look that graced Castiel's face.

"Reason Deano here's acting all weird is because we _were_ discussing your upcoming birthday. We're done now, so by all means hang, but yeah. How was your break, my friend?"

Dean sighed in relief as he walked with them. "I just saw you the other day," he announced stupidly, pointedly not mentioning the fact that the last time he saw him, they made out on the couch.

"Sorry for interrupting," Cas said with a smile. That made a lot of sense, and it also explained Charlie's weird look. "My break was good. How was yours, Charlie?" he asked, falling into step next to Dean. He knew he was probably walking too close to Dean for it to be considered normal, but they always walked this close together, it didn't mean anything.

Well. It didn't mean anything to Dean.

Dean casually slung his free arm (the one that hadn't been previously claimed by an extremely possessive redhead) over his best friend's shoulders and hugged him lightly.

Charlie grinned at him across Dean. "Was fine. Got _plenty_ of action with I think three different chicks."

Dean whistled playfully. "Wouldja look at that. Even as a freshman our Charlie's already a playa."

She shoved him, still smiling. "I was a 'playa' back when I was in the fourth grade, you dumbass."

Cas rolled his eyes at his friends’ playful banter, trying to hide the slight redness on his cheeks from Dean's arm being slung across his shoulders, but Charlie's mention of what she'd done over the holidays just reminded Cas of what he hadn't managed to do. He still hadn't told Dean of his feelings and he was starting to think he never would.

Just as Dean was about to say something to Cas - he wasn't even sure what, he just wanted to see the smile that had flickered and died in his best friend's eyes - the second bell rang, and he swore. "I'll see you in second, a'ight, Cas?" he announced as he started to sprint toward the annex building. "And Red, I'll see you at French!"

"See you," Cas called after Dean before he and Charlie turned towards their class.

"Have you told him yet?" Charlie asked as they walked causing Cas to freeze for a second and then have to jog to catch back up.

"What do you think?" he asked bitterly, a frown covering his face as he thought about all the things he had been too much of a coward to say.

"Caaaaas-" Charlie started to say, but before she could say anything more, they arrived at her lesson and she had to shut up. Cas was - not so secretly - extremely glad.

Dean zoned out through all of Honors English thinking about Cas and that kiss, _that kiss_ , and when the bell rang to release them to second period, he was the first one out the door. God, he couldn't get kissing Cas out of his head, it was consuming his every waking moment. He was just so cute, so sweet, so kind, so... _Cas_.

He grinned at his best friend as they met up a few yards outside the Statistics classroom (this was Dean's favorite class, and not just because it had Cas in it; in his opinion, all math was fun, especially math that was going to serve him in the Mechanical Engineering and Customer Service jobs he'd be working fresh out of high school) and fell into step beside each other.

"How was Art History?" he asked teasingly, only belatedly realizing that that comment made it kind of obvious that he already had his best friend's schedule memorized and it wasn't even the end of Quarter 2 yet.

"How was Honors English?" Cas teased back with a grin. He knew that Dean seemed to think that taking a lesson all about the history of art was stupid, but he found it very interesting. Much more interesting than English, anyway.

They entered their Statistics classroom side by side, both going and flopping into their seats which were - thankfully - next to each other.

Cas didn't hate Statistics. It was one of those classes that wasn't amazing but wasn't ever awful and having Dean next to him made it at least one hundred thousand times better.

He would sit through any lesson, any one at all, if it meant he could sit next to Dean for the entire time. Work with Dean. Chat with Dean.

He couldn't get the kiss out of his mind, but it was okay because Dean was right there, and even if he didn't like Cas back, at least he was there. Being his best friend.

"I mean, English was..." he paused, not wanting to lie but also not wanting to reveal that he was so distracted he didn't retain anything. "Boring."

 _I missed you for the one hour we were apart_ , he didn't say. _I want you close to me_.

Instead, he just brushed his arm against Cas's and slid into his seat right next to Cas, not moving away. That kiss was still on his mind, on his lips, seared into his brain. He wasn't going to be able to keep himself from touching Cas for a while.

Cas knew he should probably reply, but he just couldn't form words.

Dean's arm was touching his and despite the fact he knew it was a simple, innocent, case of their chairs being too close together Cas didn't want to shuffle away. He wanted to stay right where he was, his arm brushing Dean's as they listened to the teacher.

Actually… that was a lie.

He wanted things to stay like this, but he also wanted everything to change. He wanted their ankles to be hooked together under the desk, he wanted to know that he could lean into Dean's touch and he would just laugh, he wanted to be able to lean over and kiss Dean goodbye when they were going to different classes.

He wanted this. But he also wanted so much more.

The teacher - Ms. Moseley, one of the best teachers at the school - began her lesson and Dean, on a random impulse, grabbed Cas's hand and threaded their fingers together, marveling at the way he jumped a little bit when he did so. Dean just kept smirking and watching the teacher, determinedly not looking at his best friend's profile or his deep blue eyes.

Cas felt his brain just shut down. Ms. Moseley was still speaking but Cas heard none of her words, they just washed right over him.

Dean. Was. Holding. His. Hand.

Why would he do that? He didn't like Cas in the same way which Cas liked Dean but holding hands in the middle of class was pretty hard to misinterpret.

He glanced to the side, seeing Dean's smirk and the way he was clearly avoiding eye contact with Cas. Maybe...? He squeezed Dean's hand before he followed Dean's lead and turned to the front of the room, trying to figure out what he had missed.

Dean squeezed Cas's hand back reassuringly, as if to say 'it's okay buddy, I've gotcha.' He leaned forward and wrote down on a sticky note with his free hand (being ambidextrous was awesome) the homework that Moseley had just assigned before peeling it off and sticking it onto his friend's desk.

If Ms. Moseley wasn't still talking, he'd have stuck it to his forehead or something. That was kind of just the way Dean and Cas were. They screwed around and made each other laugh and they were easy, and they just fit right together like matching puzzle pieces. It was just _right_.

Dean wanted so much more than that. He wanted to keep their easy chemistry with an extra layer of physicality. The love was already there, at least on his end, but he wanted to be able to pull Cas against him in the hallway, to kiss him goodbye when they parted ways when the last bell rang, to...

Okay, so maybe that was a line of thought he shouldn't pursue in his math class with the object of his desire sitting right next to him. That would not be an appropriate time to pop a boner. But still.

Cas glanced down at the note he had just been passed. Oh, they had homework. Thank goodness Dean had been listening or else Cas would have been screwed.

Cas really hoped that this meant what he thought it meant. They had been best friends for ages and the way they acted together, well they might as well have been dating for years. They just _worked_. And Cas hoped that this was Dean's way of saying he felt it too.

He carried on listening to Ms. Moseley for the rest of the lesson, but his thoughts kept in drifting. And they always drifted in the same direction, to the boy on his left-hand side.

Finally, the lesson was over. As they made their way toward the language hallway, Dean asked, "you wanna come over tonight to study? Didn't seem like you were payin' too much attention in Moseley."

He stopped outside the French classroom, waiting for his friend's answer.

“Um- oh, yeah sure," Cas said absentmindedly as he stared into the distance.

What did this all mean?

He barely registered his words, but when his mind finally realized what he had said, he froze. He had the horrible feeling that this was an awful idea.

What was he going to do if he went over to Dean's house? The last time he had been over he had been kissed by Dean. And then today they held hands!

This was either going to end awfully or amazing and he just couldn't tell which way it was going to go.

Dean clapped his hands together before leading the way into the room. "Great!" He was grinning like a maniac and he knew it, but honestly he didn't give a fuck.

Cas was coming back over to his house. He was getting more time with Cas.

And yeah, he had fantasies in which their study sessions led to making out on Dean's bed, followed by nudity and possibly some mutually assured orgasms, but that wasn't ever going to happen, so he'd settle for companionable silence and witty banter.

Cas noticed Dean's smile and couldn't help but smile as well. It definitely helped that he was good at French - art and languages were his favorite subjects, Dean never stopped teasing him about it.

"Hey guys!" Charlie said, walking over to them with a grin. That was the other thing which made French amazing, both Charlie and Dean were in his class and sitting near him.

Dean's favorite part of French was the fact that he spoke better German.

It was hilarious, actually. He'd only chosen French because Cas was doing it, so that they could be in class together, but he loved taking the opportunity to whisper flirtatious things to him in German from where he sat directly behind his best friend. However, he had gotten pretty good at French.

"Hey, Red," he muttered, grinning and giving his friend a noogie. "How was your Java III-IV elective?"

"Heyyyy!" Charlie gasped at her friend’s antics, "stop that!" She batted his hands away as she shimmied out of his reach. "It was good thanks, how was statistics?" She asked innocently, raising an eyebrow slightly and looking pointedly at Cas.

Dean shrugged deliberately and innocently. "Was great. Everythin's great when I got this one by my side." He elbowed his best friend in the ribs. "He wasn't paying attention, though, so we got a study session lined up for this afternoon."

Her eyebrow shot up a little higher and the beginning of a smirk started to curl at her lips. He laughed, ducking his head. "Not like that, he wasn't- he wasn't paying attention to me either. Major Tom was off in Cas-land."

Cas felt his face darken as he made sure to keep his head down so that the other two wouldn't see his face. He really didn't want them to know that a simple gesture like Dean elbowing his in the ribs was enough to make him blush.

Dean slung an arm across his shoulders casually, not even realizing how much he was craving this contact with Cas. He pulled him against his side, pinning him there gently, and kept grinning at Charlie as she spoke.

"Well whatever it was, he'd better get some help with the lesson. It's cute, though, considering you're usually the one who needs help from him." She smirked at Dean, and Dean smacked her lightly with his free hand.

"Not in Statistics," he muttered. "In French? Yes. In English? Yes. In Statistics? Not by a long shot."

Just then, Singer entered the room, wearing his usual stern and unimpressed look, they all dropped into their seats in unison - Cas in the second row closest to the door, Dean immediately behind him, and Charlie diagonally behind and to the left of Dean - and class started.

Cas felt a million spikes of heat rush through him. Dean was pinning him to his side and Cas wasn't sure he would be able to escape even if he wanted to.

Not that he did, so that whole line of thought was kind of moot. What idiot would want to wriggle away from this?

The lesson started and Cas tried - really tried - to pay attention to what Singer was saying. He tried to focus on his deep voice as he spoke French and tried to teach this class of Americans how to speak it too.

But it was impossible. His side was still warm from Dean and the knowledge that Dean was immediately behind him was making him a beautiful mix of self-conscious about everything and also like all he wanted to do was shuffle his seat backwards and give into the _need_ to kiss Dean again.

But he couldn't. Because this was school. And Dean didn't want that.

Dean leaned forward and whispered into Cas's ear. "Ich liebe dich."

Charlie smacked him. "Dude, this is _French_ class, not German. If you wanted to speak German you should've taken German."

Dean turned around in his seat to make a face at her. "They don't have German as a language option at this godforsaken hellhole. I took French cause Cas was taking French - and don't you _dare_ make a comment."

He straightened out and attempted the sentence on the board in mangled French. To be fair, part of the reason it was so mangled was because Cas spoke _beautiful_ French, so he always turned around and corrected him on his pronunciation, and it brought Dean a sense of peace to put that proud look on Cas's face when he did it right.

Wow, he was seriously fucked.

Cas jumped when Dean whispered into his ear, breaking his concentration streak of 2 minutes.

He wanted to turn around and say something in return. It probably would have been either, 'that's German!' or 'what did you just say?' but unfortunately he couldn't turn around. Singer was already going to be annoyed enough with him for not doing very good work today - well, his French was ok, it was the actually doing the work he was having a problem with - he didn't need to get in trouble for turning around as well.

He heard Dean speak some very badly pronounced French and smiled as he spun in his seat. He couldn't get in trouble if he was helping another student.

Cas corrected him gently, and Dean took a deep breath before attempting the sentence again, this time far more fluently. Cas smiled at him in the way that he did when Dean amazed him, like he was the only important thing in the universe, and Dean thought _this is why I fell in love with you, Novak_.

"Embrasse le, embrasse le, embrasse le," Charlie was chanting quietly behind Dean, and Dean snorted so hard he almost did a spit take. He wasn't sure which of them she was talking to, but whether it was he or Cas, Dean was still embarrassed.

He didn't need his second best friend egging him on to kiss the guy he already _really_ wanted to kiss.

Cas wasn't quite sure what Dean was snorting about, but he still found himself shocked that such a noise - which normally would be filed under weird, loud and pig like - somehow sounded like the most beautiful sound in the room.

Yeah. He was whipped as Hell.

He could see Charlie chanting something, but he was too far way to hear what. All he knew what that she winked at him so it couldn't be anything good.

The rest of French flew by and before Cas even noticed it, it was lunch. As soon as the bell went, he was out the door and waiting for his friends. He was absolutely starving and in need of some time to pull his frazzled mind back together and towards thoughts of school instead of thoughts of Dean.

Dean practically sprinted out the door to the French classroom. This was always his favorite part of the day, because he had two periods in a row, then lunch, then another class with his best friend. He grinned at Cas as he passed him, grabbing his shoulder roughly. He waved goodbye to Charlie, who had lunch hour after fourth, and dragged Cas toward the cafeteria.

"Look, there's an open booth! Race ya," he suggested, smiling.

God, he would do anything to live in this feeling forever.

Cas nearly fell over when Dean grabbed his arm, but he managed to get his feel back under him and catch up to Dean before he was pulled onto his face. He started laughing as he was basically dragged down the hall. Dean's energy was one of those things many people found annoying, but he just found endearing.

When Dean suggested they race, Cas didn't think twice before replying with a "hell yes!" It didn't matter that they were setting a bad example for the younger kids, it didn't matter how many people looked at them weirdly - all that mattered was this moment, Dean's laughter and the joy which was sparkling in both of their eyes.

Dean jumped into the booth with so much force that his body slid across the entire bench and he actually slammed into the wall. It hurt, but not enough to stop him from laughing at himself, and Cas was barely a second behind him, although he actually managed to take the proper preventative measures to protect himself.

He leaned across the table, dropping his bag at his feet, and muttered conspiratorially, "I wonder if anyone would notice if we ran down the street to Mod and got a couple of mini Meat Lovers'."

"Unfortunately, I think they would," Cas whispered back with a grin as he also leaned across the table and dropped his bag. "I guess we will have to continue being stuck with whatever _delicious_ food they are offering today."

He suddenly noticed how close their faces were, with both of them leaning over the table, and plopped back into his seat, trying to cool the blush he was certain was already staining his face.

He tried to focus on what he would be eating for lunch, and not on the look that had been on Dean's face as he had dropped away.

 _Idiot, idiot, you FUCKING idiot,_ Dean berated himself as he glanced over at the menu for hot lunch. _He doesn't want that. He doesn't like you like that. He's not interested._

He'd seen the look on Cas's face right before he retreated, the moment that he noticed that Dean was barely half an inch away from him. He looked so... _disgusted_. Disappointed. Like he'd figured it out and he just wanted to get away from Dean. It's not like Dean thought he was being subtle, but... he hated having his heart trampled on like this.

"Uh... looks like it's pizza, mazz sticks, or teriyaki chicken. Do _not_ go for the mazz sticks, dude, that cafeteria shit is garbage. If you want 'em, I'll take you to Arby's later to get good, high-quality mozzarella sticks. And their specials are... iffy, on a day-to-day basis. So I'd say the safe bet is pizza."

He reached into his bag to grab his own lunch and started chewing loudly on his ham-and-cheese-and-honey-mustard sandwich.

Cas sighed, slightly jealous of Dean's packed lunch. He could eat anything he wanted, while poor Cas had to eat whatever the dinner ladies cooked, which wouldn't be too bad if they knew what flavor was. Or what texture food was meant to be.

Ok, that was a bit harsh. Cooking food in bulk must be hard, but that didn't make the food any tastier.

"Wish me luck," he said with a sigh as he walked off, hoping that maybe today the pizza wouldn't taste like rubber.

“Luck,” Dean called solemnly after him.

It took him about 5 minutes to get to the front of the line and get his food. Unfortunately the pizza looked just as rubbery as he had feared and the fries were definitely soggy. Oh well.

As he walked back to their table, Cas found his eyes drawn to Dean's face. He seemed sad again. Almost like he was arguing with himself. He decided he would ask Dean what was wrong as soon as he sat down, but by the time he found his way back to his seat, the expression on Dean's face was gone.

"You ok?" He asked, despite the fact Dean looked fine, he was sure he had seen Dean looking sad. He was sure he wasn't mistaken.

"Yeah, uh..." Dean didn't meet his eyes. "I'm alright," he lied through his teeth. "How's your soggy pizza? Ever consider putting ranch on that to make it _slightly_ more bearable?" He flashed Cas a toothy grin and tried to brush it off.

Cas squinted his eyes at Dean. He definitely didn't sound alright, but he decided to allow the - extremely obviously - topic change and turned his attention to the sad looking pizza on his plate.

"I'm sure it's going to be _amazing_ _,_ " Cas said with a laugh, mulling over Dean’s suggestion and genuinely wondering whether putting ranch on it _would_ make it any better. "Sadly though, I don't think ranch is going to help. I think it's beyond help." He laughed even more as he picked the pizza up and just dangled it above his plate, watching as not one single topping moved, despite the base of it being soggier than a sponge.

"What do they make this with anyway?" He asked incredulously, "super glue?"

"Yep," Dean replied through a mouthful of potato chips, "I'm fairly certain they make that shit out of superglue, synthetic dairy, and sadness."

He smiled at his best friend. He was sitting there, grinning at Dean, joking with him about how shitty the food at the school was, and he was _so freaking beautiful_ that all Dean wanted was to kiss him again and God, he was so fucking screwed. He was so fucking _whipped_ for this boy.

Abruptly, he stood up, dropping his lunch. "I gotta- bye," he muttered before practically sprinting into the bathroom and locking the stall door, leaning against it and trying to calm down from his near-panic attack.

"Why am I such a fucking _idiot?_ " he demanded of the silent room. "Why am I- _ugh!_ " He punched the wall hard enough to bruise. Unsurprisingly, it didn't make him feel better.

Cas's heart sank as he watched his friend run away. Dean looked, horrified. Cas knew that it probably wasn't him which caused a reaction like that in Dean – they had been friends for a while and Cas had yet to scare him off so why would he manage now? – but his mind wouldn't shut up. It kept on saying, _it’s you, he hates you, everyone hates you, thisisallyourfault_.

He wasn't hungry anymore.

He dumped his half-eaten pizza before walking away, towards the nearest bathroom so that he could hate himself in peace. He also actually did need the toilet but that wasn't the main reason.

He pushed the door open, and the first thing he heard was a _smack_ ing sound, almost the kind of noise you would hear from a punch. Cas kind of hoped he wasn't walking into the middle of a fight, but to be honest, he wasn't that worried about this ended with him having a black eye.

He had bigger things to worry about. Like how he had somehow done something to upset his _best friend in the whole world._

He turned the tap on, hoping that the lukewarm water would help him figure out what his mind was saying.

Dean heard the water turn on and his head snapped up abruptly. "Uh..." he said before he could stop himself, then mentally shoved his foot in his mouth. He didn't want anyone to know he was in here.

Dean had fucked up. He'd just left Cas there, at the table, alone, and now Cas probably thought he was an asshole. He really couldn't do anything right, could he? No matter what he did, he was fucking _something_ up. If he told Cas his feelings, he'd be ruining their friendship, and by _not_ telling Cas his feelings, he was ruining their friendship anyway.

What a fucking situation.

Cas heard someone start to say 'um' and he froze for half a second. Sure, he had already known that someone else was here, but that sounded like they were going to start a conversation.

When he heard nothing more, he went back to the trickle of water and tried to figure everything out.

He loved Dean. That much was a definite. Dean didn't hate him. That at least _used_ to be a definite. Now it was a _most probably,_ because Dean had run off, but he hadn't done anything else. Dean held his hand this morning. Another definite. Another thing they hadn't talked about.

 _Ugh._ This was supposed to help him sort out his head, not make it all worse.

Well, shit. Now Dean couldn't leave because if he did that other person would know who he was and it was probably someone he knew because it was probably someone who came from the lunchroom and fuck this wasn't helping. He just took a deep breath, steeled himself, and opened the door.

"Cas?" he asked, his jaw dropping when he saw his friend in the mirror, bracing himself on the sink.

Cas looked up as he heard the cubicle door behind him unlock. He accidently made eye contact with the boy in the mirror, before freezing. _Green eyes, Green eyes, Green eyes_.

It was Dean. Suddenly remembering how to use his limbs, he spun around, accidently going so fast that he almost lost his balance, the water on the floor not helping the situation in the slightest.

On instinct, Dean's arms shot out, one hand going to Cas's waist and the other grabbing his elbow, keeping him up and holding him in place. "You a'ight, Cas?" he asked quietly. "Coulda gotten hurt pretty bad, there."

"Thanks." Cas muttered, trying to ignore how warm Dean's hands were and how right this felt. No. He couldn't think about stuff like this.

He gently pulled away, his waist and elbow instantly feeling cold when Dean's heat disappeared. But he couldn't do this. He couldn't let his heart hope only to have it smashed into a million pieces.

He just couldn't.

"Why did you run away?" He asked softly, his voice was quiet but from the way Dean stiffened, he knew he had heard.

Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. Here he was, caught again, and Lord only knew how he was going to talk his way out of this one.

He took a deep breath, deciding to tell only _most_ of the truth. "I had a near-panic attack, needed to be alone. Didn't mean to abandon ya, buddy," he muttered, flashing a crooked smile at Cas.

Cas didn't know what to do. "You get panic attacks?" he asked slowly, making sure to not allow his tone to go within a hundred miles of accusatory.

If he didn't know this, what else didn't he know? What else was Dean keeping a secret from him for one reason or another? Obviously, it was up to Dean to tell him or not tell him anything, but this still felt like Cas had somehow let Dean down by not knowing, by not being there to try and help.

"I- not very often," Dean replied. "It's been like, three or four years since I had one. But yes, I do get panic attacks sometimes, when something particularly triggering happens. I just kinda... couldn't handle it. I'm sorry, dude, I didn't mean to push you away, I just didn't know how to breach it with you."

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, avoiding Cas's eyes. "I love you, man, and I didn't want you to think less of me because of it."

Cas was about to ask Dean what could have possibly triggered him in the middle of the cafeteria, when his next words registered in his head.

"You... what?" he asked, confusion spilling into his tone as he tilted his head and peered at Dean. He couldn't have heard that properly, he just couldn't have. There was no way Dean loved him.

"I... I love you?" Dean repeated uncertainly. "I mean, you're my best friend. I've literally known you since I was six years old. It'd be hard for me to _not_ love you at this point. I mean, hell, you're a brother, Cas. You're family. Family's everythin' to me."

Cas was just paralyzed. He was just standing there, next to the sink, staring at his best friend and trying to get his head around the fact that Dean had said he lived him. He knew he meant as a brother, but that didn't stop his heart from assuming and his head from jumping to conclusions. Hope really was a toxic thing.

"I - I love you too." He whispered slowly. He knew how he meant it. He just had to hope that Dean would make his own assumptions.

"Great..." Dean muttered, kinda confused. "Wow, can't believe I've never toldja that before. Anyway, I-" He was cut off by the bell ringing. "Fuck. We gotta grab our shit and get to AP World."

"We need to continue this conversation later." Cas said with complete certainty. They'd had enough miscommunication for one friendship.

With that said, he spun on his heels and headed to his next class with a large grin on his face, hiding his troubled thoughts behind it.

Dean ran to catch up with him, grabbing his backpack as he went and slipping it onto his shoulder as he fell into step beside Cas on his way out of the cafeteria.

Across the room, Charlie, who's lunch period was just starting, shouted, "NOVAK! WINCHESTER! I'M HOSTING A PARTY THIS WEEKEND! COME TO IT!"

"You wanna go?" Dean asked his friend.

"Sure, if you want." Cas said with a shrug, waving at Charlie as they carried on walking towards their next lessons. Cas was a bit annoyed about the fact he and Dean were in different classes for most of the afternoon, but he knew it couldn't be helped. He would be seeing Dean as soon as school was over so he didn't actually know why he was so bothered about it all.

He didn't care whether they went to the party or not, but he was kind of excited about it.

"OKAY BRADBURY, WE'LL BE THERE!" Dean screamed over his shoulder back at her before winking and following Cas to AP World. He was always slightly annoyed that this was their last class together of the day, but whatever. He'd be seeing Cas again in two hours. They always drove home together and did homework at Dean's place for hours. He'd be fine.

Cas blushed at Dean's wink and instantly berated himself over it. Why on Earth was he incapable of interacting with Dean without blushing?

He arrived at their classroom and paused outside, waiting for Dean to catch up. He had lagged behind slightly because he had paused to say hello to one of the other boys. Cas had just carried on because he was one of the guys Cas tried to avoid talking to. He didn't like him and knew Dean didn't like them too much either, but Dean was always polite.

Yet one more reason Cas just couldn't help loving him. He couldn't wait to be back at Dean's house. He just wanted to get somewhere quiet and peaceful. He could wait the couple of hours until then. He could, or at least, he had to.

"God, I hate this class," Dean muttered as he led Cas into the room. Ms. Harvelle was nice enough, but the work was hard and three weeks into the school year, Dean had regretted ever taking the class.

The only upside was that Cas sat right behind him, which meant he could turn around and crack stupid jokes at him whenever he wanted.

Cas just rolled his eyes at Dean's complaining. Personally, he liked AP world, but he could see where Dean was coming from.

He wandered over to his desk, standing behind his chair and, when Dean stood behind his seat in front of Cas, reached over to flick his shoulder, instantly feigning innocence as soon as Dean turned around.

Dean slid into his chair, scoffed, and turned his head away, but not before flicking a piece of paper over his shoulder with his middle finger.

"You suck," he told his best friend affectionately. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heartbeat. He was a little scared, actually, of being stuck in this room right in front of his best friend for the next hour, considering how Cas had taken his unexpected confession of platonic love.

( _Platonic_. He had meant it platonically. Just because he _also_ loved Cas romantically didn't void his best-friendly love.)

"I know I do," Cas said with a wide grin. "You do too." He tried to duck away from the paper but he failed and it hit him square in the face. He sighed dramatically but also dropped into his seat and tried to figure out how he was going to survive he next hour. Normally he loved this class, but he just wanted to get home.

He just wanted this school day to be over so he could talk to his friend without being told off by a teacher or eavesdropped on by a curious freshman.

(He had to keep reminding his heart that Dean didn't love him like that and that wasn't why they were going to talk, they were just being friends.)

Dean laughed out loud at that. "I mean, not since Benny. Damn, that was... sophomore year. _Beginning_ of sophomore year. Yeah, it's been a while."

He twisted around to grin at his friend. "How long has it been since you got any?" he asked.

Cas rolled his eyes, pretending he was annoyed with his friend in the hopes it would hide the jealousy and loneliness which swirled in his gut. To be honest, he couldn’t actually remember the last time he had 'gotten any' as Dean said. He had ~~loved~~ liked Dean for so long he hadn't even been thinking about hooking up with anyone.

Thankfully, before Dean could press harder on him for an answer, Ms. Harvelle walked in, instantly silencing the room with one glare. She was just one of those teachers who automatically got respect (mainly because everyone was a little bit scared of her, however nice she was).

Dean smiled sweetly at her, and she rolled her eyes but smiled a little bit before dropping into her seat and beginning the class session.

And an hour later, Dean, in a moment of gay panic, actually _kissed_ his best friend on the cheek before he practically sprinted down the hall to his fifth-period class.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck-_

Cas just stood there. In the middle of the hallway. Frozen.

Dean had just kissed him. Kissed. Him. On the cheek. Before sprinting off towards his next class.

Error 101: Castiel can't compute. Please try again later.

A bell rang and Cas suddenly realized he had places to be, things to learn, etc, and quickly ran down the hallway - the opposite way Dean ran - towards his class. He hoped he wasn't late. He had the feeling that 'I'm sorry, my best friend kissed me' wasn't the best excuse.

Thank God for Fridays, Dean thought as the final bell rang. He could go home now, do homework with Cas, and tomorrow he'd be hanging out at Charlie's place until 1am, most likely. (He knew how her parties ran.)

He met up with Cas in the parking lot, hoping the absolutely horrible kiss incident would be forgotten. He grinned at his friend and slid into the driver's seat of his Baby, leaned across the median to open Cas's door for him, and called, "let's get going!"

Cas nodded as he slid into his seat. Clearly Dean was planning to pretend the kiss never happened, so Cas would just follow his lead and pretend everything was normal as well.

If only it was that easy. The entire drive to Dean's, Cas's mind was stuck on it. What did it mean? Would anything change now? Did Dean want it to? Did _he_ want it to?

Dean was fidgety and overly anxious the entire drive, and he was subconsciously staying as far to the left side of his seat as he could. He didn't want to make Cas feel _more_ awkward than he obviously already felt - it was written all over his face - because he _didn't feel that way about Dean_.

When they made it to his house, he let Cas get out first, but he stayed in the car for a second, trying to calm his nerves. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against the steering wheel. "What am I doing?" he demanded of the empty car. "What is wrong with me?"

Cas glanced back for a moment as he walked towards Dean's door. Dean looked.... He looked defeated and Cas was getting the awful feeling it was his fault. Clearly he was regretting kissing him. Clearly Cas's thoughts had made it to his face and made Dean uncomfortable.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid-_

As he saw Dean start to pick up his head off the staring wheel and quickly spun around, so that it wasn't clear he had been spying.

Dean took a deep breath and lifted his head before shoving the door open and getting out of the car. "A'ight, Cas," he called to his friend in the doorway. "You have a key, you know." He shook his head. "Whatever. Anyway, let's get started on this Stats homework. You're going to need the help, ain'tcha?" He smiled a silly smile at his friend as he unlocked the door to let Cas inside.

"I left my key at home," Cas admitted with a grin. "It's in my room." He walked inside, trying to ignore Dean's jab about him needing help for Stats. He didn't need reminding why he had been so distracted - because Dean had been holding his hand. Nope! He needed to stop thinking about that, or else he was never going to survive this.

Dean made another ridiculous face at Cas and grabbed his hand again, just like he had in Stats, and dragged him up the stairs to Dean's bedroom.

Three hours later, they were lounging on Dean's bed, homework spread out all over, Cas asking questions about it, Dean helping him figure things out, and Sam came in and knocked on the doorframe.

"Hey, Dean? Dinner's ready, c'mon. Oh, Gabe's joining us."

Dean nodded at him. "You got it, give me a minute." He smiled at Cas. "You're stayin' for dinner, right?"

The three hours they spent doing Stats work were... they were great. Cas couldn't help but enjoy the relaxed atmosphere and easy banter they exchanged in between stats questions. Cas had to say, if he was trapped in one moment forever, this would definitely be one of the ones he would think about choosing.

"Of course I'm staying." He said with a smile, following Dean down the stairs and saying hi to Sam - who he had barely seen despite being there for three hours - and his brother.

"Evenin' Cassie!" Gabriel called cheerfully, grinning at his brother. "You and Deano have fun?" His smirk turned evil at the edges and Dean smacked him.

"Yep. Tons. Math is the best," he announced, and honestly, he actually _meant_ it. "Heya, Sammy," he added, patting his brother on the shoulder before he made himself up a plate.

Cas waited for everyone else to grab a plate of food before walking forwards to grab his own. It looked delicious, but it was ruined slightly by the suggestive look Gabe kept on sending him.

He didn't know why Gabe was so sure they were doing _something_. He didn't even know about Cas's crush (or at least, Cas didn’t _think_ he did. Bottom line, if he knew he’d found out from someone else, cause Cas had never told him) and there was no way Dean liked him back. Probably no way anyway.

Dean sat down next to Cas at the table and elbowed him playfully before he dug into his lasagna. He was the cook of the family, but there was no doubt that Sam could make a mean lasagna.

He smiled at Cas and he just _knew_. There would never be anyone else. It was Cas and Cas alone for the rest of forever.

Once they had finished eating Sam and Gabe headed off to watch a movie, leaving Cas and Dean to do the cleaning up.

Cas couldn't pinpoint the exact moment, but it was sometime when Dean was washing and he was drying, that Cas realized he was done. He was done with helplessly pining and done with overanalyzing every single action. He was done.

His mind was made up.

Today. He would tell Dean how he felt. Worse-case scenario things were a bit weird for a week and nothing changed. Best case, they could be together.

Except that then he didn't.

Because Dean kept dragging him into things, making him dance around the kitchen to the sounds of Metallica playing on his stereo, forcing him to watch this YouTube video or that stand-up bit, double- and triple-checking that he was ready for their stats test on Tuesday.

And then it was eleven and he hadn't had a chance and Dean hugged him sleepily before mumbling, "see you tomorrow. Meet here, I'll drive you to Charlie's place," and then dropping into his bed.

Just before Cas closed the door behind him, Dean added, "love you, man."

Cas sighed as he walked out the door. He had failed, and Dean's 'love you' was entirely platonic and what was even the point? If he couldn't even tell Dean when he was planning to, when was he ever going to get the chance?

He walked home with his head low and tears at the edge of his vision. He was a failure. Dean could never love him back. Why did he even bother trying?

He almost didn't want to go to the party tomorrow. But he had said he was going and there was still a traitorous part of his brain saying _but Dean will be there_ , because even when he had given up his heart hadn't.

So there he was when Dean got up the following morning. Like a permanent fixture in Dean's life, and Dean realized he felt that way because he _was_. Cas was immovable. There was no Dean without Cas.

He got ready in record time to drive his friend to the party at 8. And, well... Dean should've expected disaster. It was Charlie, Charlie who plotted and planned and thought she could control everyone else's lives. It was Charlie, who always interfered and couldn't leave well enough alone, Charlie who had no boundaries and didn't even know the meaning of the word. He should've expected disaster because Charlie was the definition of disaster.

So when it all went to shit, he was just kicking himself for not seeing it coming.

Cas and Dean arrived at the party what Dean would call 'fashionably late' but what Cas just called 'late'. The party was already in full swing and Cas didn't know what he would have done if Dean hadn't instantly dragged them both towards the drinks.

To be honest, he wasn't paying that much attention to his surroundings. His mind was stuck on the journey over. To the short car ride where he was sat next to Dean while the music played and Dean sang along and yeah... He was entirely whipped and for some reason, something he had seen a million times suddenly seemed like the best view on Earth.

It didn't matter how many times they had sat in the car together driving somewhere with music playing, this time was different and he just couldn't get over that.

 _Thank goodness for alcohol,_ was all Cas could think as he took a drink and managed to drag his mind back to the present.

Dean grinned at his best friend as he handed him a red plastic SOLO cup filled with some unidentifiable alcohol. He took a long swig of his own and cringed at the sour taste for just a moment before deciding he actually kind of liked it and drinking more.

Then he took Cas's hand and led him through the crowd until he found Charlie. She was sitting in a circle full of chicks (and a few guys, but not many), with an empty beer bottle in the middle. He watched a few rounds as the bottle was spun, and it appeared to be a normal game of Spin the Bottle except that people were allowed to veto on account of sexuality. It just meant they had to spin again.

He smiled at Cas goofily before dropping down in the circle between Charlie and Jessica Moore, scooting to one side to make way for his friend.

Cas tried to hide his discomfort as they dropped into the circle of spin the bottle. Dean looked excited about it and he was also smiling ~~adorably~~ goofily. He couldn't just pull out, but he really wished he could, he couldn't let Dean down and he couldn't be a party pooper. The problem was, he hated Spin the Bottle. It was going to end up with him having to kiss someone who wasn't Dean and _pretend_ not to mind it.

Agh.

The bottle was spun a couple of times before it was Dean's turn. Obviously, it didn't land on Cas or Charlie - Charlie was practically Dean's little sister, nothing would come out of a kiss like that - it landed on Lisa. Aka Dean's old crush. Aka the girl every non-gay guy had a crush on.

Cas was fucked.

Dean leaned across the circle and Lisa shifted to match him. They met in the middle and Cas noticed one of the muscles in Dean’s arm jump. It seemed like he was really, really into it.

Cas was _really_ fucked.

Of course Dean would kiss her and never want to kiss anyone ever again. They would run off into the sunset and Cas would lose his chance forever.

But none of that happened. They kissed and then the game continued, but Cas still couldn't squish down the irrational feelings of jealousy which were bubbling up to the surface. When it was his turn, Cas just closed his eyes and spun the bottle, deciding that he wouldn't respin, he didn't care if it was a boy or a girl. He just wanted it over with.

It landed on Meg. He kissed her. He tried to hide his repulsion. The game moved on.

Dean watched in horror as Cas kissed Meg. It was an absolutely filthy kiss... on Meg's end. She was doing everything she could to slither her way into Cas's pants and had been for the last year and a half or so.

Dean hated the fuck out of her. In his opinion, she could go die in a fire.

Cas was... kind of just frozen. Just sitting there like he wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. It was well-hidden, but Dean, being Cas's best friend, had learned how to read him, so he could see the absolute _revulsion_ on Cas's face. He felt the smallest sense of pride and satisfaction at the knowledge that no matter how hard she came onto him, at least he'd never fall into bed with Meg.

(Of course, Dean knew Cas was gay. He just kept being afraid Cas would... change his mind? He wasn't even quite sure what he was afraid of, besides Cas not wanting him like he wanted Cas.)

Only a few turns later, Charlie got bored and jumped up, announcing, "okay, time for a change of scenery. Who's down for Seven Minutes in Heaven?"

Wow. Cas hadn't thought anything could he worse than spin the bottle. He was wrong. He was hella wrong.

Seven fucking Minutes in fucking Heaven. Now, Cas couldn't speak for everyone, but personally, if Heaven was real his would definitely not include being locked in a cupboard with a random person. And knowing his luck, it would probably be Meg who would then spend all seven of those minutes trying to get his pants down.

He hated seven minutes in heaven.

Of course, though, being the pushover he was, when everyone else cheered and said "hell yes" he just went along with it. He guessed he would just have to hope that he was picked with someone like Charlie who was also gay and they could just spend the time chatting, or even better, not be picked at all.

But then... it got worse.

In no scenario, when he'd agreed to this, had Dean thought that he'd get paired up with the guy he was hopelessly in love with. But of course, Charlie turned to them first and said, "you two!" and Dean couldn't even get a word in edgewise to tell her he didn't think that was how the game worked as she shoved them towards her Harry Potter-style cupboard-under-the-stairs that barely had room for two bodies.

And then they were standing in there and they were practically chest-to-chest and Dean was looking down at Cas and fuck, it wouldn't even take any effort to close that distance between them...

Cas didn't know what to do. He felt like he was somewhere between cloud 9 and the 7th circle of Hell. This was all of his fantasies and all of his greatest nightmares rolled into one. On one hand, he was doing Seven Minutes in Heaven with Dean. He was stuck in a cupboard, not with Meg Masters, but with Dean. His best friend and long-time crush. This was perfect!

However, this was just going to be so awkward. Because Dean's didn't want anything like this, he didn't want to be stuck in a cupboard with Cas and he was probably expecting them just to talk or something.

Being this close to all he could ever want, but not being allowed it, was fucking torture.

"We don't have to do anything," he said slowly, making sure not to think about how small the cupboard was and how close together they were. "They won't know."

Dean couldn't stop himself. The words were just tumbling out of his mouth before he could even begin to control them.

"I want to kiss you," he blurted out. "I, like... _really_ want to kiss you. Like so badly." Cas was just staring at him. He looked shocked, like he had no words to say.

"I'm sorry," Dean muttered, looking down and away from Cas's piercing blue eyes.

Cas reached out slowly, his fingers trembling as he gently gripped Dean's chin so Dean couldn't look away from his eyes.

"And what if I want to kiss you too?" he asked, a slight smile on his face.

He couldn't quite believe this was happening, but if it was he was going to make the most of this opportunity. His blue eyes met Dean's beautiful green ones, and he refused to look away.

"Do you?" Dean whispered. "I... I never thought you could want me like that. But I hate hiding it, and those two other ones, the accidents- they were the best thing I've ever felt. Fuck, that's cheesy." He laughed, and he suddenly felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.

"I love you," he announced. "I love you so much, Castiel Novak. And not just because you're my best friend. I want to be with you in every way imaginable. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you."

And then he closed the distance between them.

Cas didn't think he had ever heard properly, until his hearing cleared and Dean said he loved him.

Cas didn't think he had ever seen properly, until his vision filled with the beautiful face of Dean.

Cas didn't think he had ever breathed properly, until Dean stole his breath away with an earth-shattering kiss.

Cas pulled back slightly, a huge grin spreading across his face as he kept his eyes locked with Dean's.

"I love you too," he whispered against Dean's lips before diving back in.

It was everything. Everything Cas had ever dreamed and everything Cas had ever wanted. Time seemed to just stop and the entire cupboard seemed to just burst into flames as Cas pushed all of his passion and love into the kiss, only pulling away when he needed to breathe.

Cas's lips were so soft and so warm and his arms were so strong where they were braced against Dean's sides and he was so absolutely intoxicating that Dean couldn't function, couldn't think.

It was all Cas, just Cas crowding him up against the wall, Cas kissing him senseless, Cas making him feel like maybe he had earned this, maybe he could have this. It was all Cas, only Cas, Cas forever.

He pulled away. "Cas, wait, fuck," he breathed, his voice ghosting over his friend's lips. He laughed. "We're already worse than Sam and Gabriel."

"It's impossible to be worse than Sam and Gabriel," Cas muttered back, his absolutely wrecked voice even more gravelly than normal due to the arousal and lack of oxygen.

He was about to close the gap between them again, when the entire cupboard was invaded with light as it spilled through the open door.

Cas squinted as his eyes fought to adjust but he didn't move from where he stood. Why oh why did those seven minutes have to finish _now_? Couldn't it have waited for a bit longer, Cas had lots of unfinished business.

"You two," Charlie announced with glee, "have been in here for fourteen minutes and twenty-two seconds! And you're making out! _I AM THE QUEEN OF MATCHMAKING!_ " She turned around and did a double-fist pump to the entire circle of people who'd followed her to dragging Dean and Cas out of the cupboard.

Dean gave her an unimpressed look. "Permission to leave the party, your Highness?" he asked, as deadpan as he could.

"Permission granted. Go bang your new boyfriend."

Cas blushed slightly as he grabbed Dean's hand and pulled him out the front door, back towards the Impala. Neither of them had drunk very much so Dean was still ok to drive and get them home.

"That was interesting," Cas muttered with a small smile on his face. “Talk about being dragged out of the closet."

He couldn’t stop smiling the entire journey back. He had finally kissed Dean. They still needed to talk about a few things, but Dean liked him back! Charlie really was the queen of matchmakers.

When they got back to Dean's place, Sam and Gabriel were watching their movie in the living room. Cas and Dean fell through the door, tangled around each other and laughing, and their brothers both looked at them amusedly.

"Hey, Sammy," Dean announced, holding up Cas's hand as if to show it off. "Didja know that Cas likes me? Cause I fuckin didn't. Dunno how I got so damn lucky, but he's _mine_ now, so back off."

Sam laughed from where he was curled around his boyfriend on the couch. "Alright, you're drunk, so go the fuck to bed. With or without Cas, I don't care. I'll talk to you about this in the morning."

"Come on." Cas said with a giggle as he waved at his brother and Sam before practically dragging Dean up the stairs and towards Dean's room. They crashed into the bed still tangled together, but before anything could happen Cas grabbed Dean's hands. "Not while we are drunk," he said as he pulled the covers back, wriggling out of his jeans and collapsing against Dean's pillow.

Dean smiled, gently caressing his cheekbone. "I wasn't planning on it, Cas," he murmured, before leaning down to kiss him gently. When they separated, he stripped off his shirt, discarded his jeans (both of which fell into a messy pile at the foot of his bed), and rolled over onto his side, wrapping Cas around him in just his boxers. "I love you," he whispered. "I'm so grateful for you."

"I love you too." Cas whispered back, pressing his face against Dean’s back and falling asleep surrounded by warmth and the smell of a boy he’d always loved.

==

Cas woke up slowly. He really didn't want to wake up - he was so comfy and warm - but he knew he couldn't fight it and there was some bright sunlight shining in his face forcing him into wakefulness.

When Cas opened his eyes, his breath was stolen from him. Dean was pressed against him, still asleep, and the peaceful look on Dean's face was just so beautiful. All of his worldly worries had just melted away, leaving only peace and happiness. In that moment, Cas knew one single thing for certain. He would do anything to keep Dean happy, and to keep waking up to this view in the future.

"Mm," Dean hummed as he slowly drifted into consciousness surrounded by warmth and the feeling of two strong arms around him. "Mornin', Cas," he murmured quietly. "You sleep well?"

He rolled over, not letting Cas move his arms, so that they were facing each other. He brushed a stray lock of hair off of Cas's forehead. "We gotta talk about last night, don't we?"

"I did sleep well thanks," Cas muttered, staring into Dean's bright green eyes and tightening his arms slightly, "and yes, we definitely need to talk."

Cas knew that there was nothing to worry about, the very fact they were curled up here together was proof of that. They were made for each other and now that they were together, Cas was not letting Dean go.

Dean cuddled a little closer, burying his face in Cas's chest. "Then let's talk. I don't regret a single thing that happened last night and I wouldn't take any of it back. I'm in love with you, Cas, and I been in love with you since the fifth grade. And if you'd have me, I think I'd like to be your boyfriend."

Cas smiled, pressing a kiss into Dean's hair as he carefully chose his words, "Dean. I would love to be your boyfriend. I've wanted nothing more for," he paused for a moment, thinking back. Had there ever been a moment he hadn't loved Dean? Probably, but he couldn't think of it just then. “As long as I can remember."

The sudden grumble of Cas's stomach ruined their moment, causing Cas to burst into laughter. "Breakfast?" he said with a hopeful grin, without letting go of Dean yet.

Dean grinned back, pressing the lightest, quickest kiss to his boyfriend's lips. "Pancakes, french toast, or omelettes?" he asked. "I'll make 'em all from scratch, whatever you want. And none for Sam and Gabe, filthy sons of bitches."

Cas laughed quietly, "pancakes please." He whispered, pressing a kiss against Dean's cheek, knowing that he he caught Dean's mouth he would never be able to leave. "I don't know how you are planning to keep any food away from Gigantor and the candy monster though," Cas hummed thoughtfully as he regretfully pulled away from Dean and slipped his jeans back on. Sadly, food beat the desire to spend the rest of his life cuddling up with Dean.

"Pancakes it is, made from scratch, with all the best ingredients because guess who went shopping yesterday?" Dean jackknifed himself off the bed and grabbed his jeans from the previous night before digging through his dresser for a shirt. (And if he was intentionally showing off his ass a little bit... well, he was the only one who'd know.)

He turned around and tossed Cas his favorite AC/DC shirt purely because he wanted to see him in it before slipping the _say hi if you're bi_ shirt over his head and smiling at his favorite person in the world. "C'mon, Cas. Get on up and let's go make some food."

Cas practically melted when Dean tossed him his favorite shirt. If that didn't show how much Dean loved him then nothing did.

"Let's go," Cas agreed, grabbing Dean's hand. They trooped down the stairs together, probably walking up the entire house with their elephant-like walking – stomping was probably a better word for it – as they rushed to the kitchen. It was a good thing there were only two other people in the entire house, and those two people were people they didn’t very much mind bothering.

"Pancake time." Cas laughed, grabbing the bowl and waiting for Dean to grab the ingredients. He was starving.

Dean smirked at his boyfriend, winking as he pulled things out of the fridge and pantry. "Okay, go sit down at the table, hang out, we can talk if you want, but this is _my_ job. You ain't gotta help."

Just as he was about halfway through cooking the pancakes, Sam and Gabriel came downstairs, Gabe swimming in one of Sam's shirts and Sam's long hair messy and ruined. He rolled his eyes and grinned at them, too deliriously happy to even be annoyed about Gabriel debauching his baby brother.

"What happened to your perfect, incorruptible morals, Gabe?" he demanded cheerfully. "Thought you were too good to fall for the jailbaits."

Gabriel made a face at him as he dropped into a chair next to Cas. "Your brother is a tease," he complained, and Sam leaned over and gave him an absolutely _filthy_ kiss.

"But you love it," he replied, smirking, when he pulled off.

Cas rolled his eyes at his older brother. "Really Gabe?" he said with equal parts fake disappointment and joking in his tone. "If the police come for you, I'm not bailing you out."

He sat at the table, watching Dean dance around the kitchen as he cooked. He looked so graceful and so, so happy. So in his element as he mixed and fried and flipped and plated. Cas had been planning on helping, but the view was very distracting and definitely worth just sitting out.

Being forced to sit next to his brother making out with Sam, however, was somewhat less worth it.

"I would," Sam offered. "I've got money, and I don't know how long I could go without getting fucked." He was smirking, and Dean made an overexaggerated gagging sound from where he was pouring batter into pans.

"Dude, that is _way_ too much information. Although, I think it's hilarious that you let him top you considering you're about 17 feet tall, unless he's packing some monster dick in those tight-ass glitter pants."

"Please don't continue this conversation." Cas deadpanned, hiding his face in his hands. He did not want people to be discussing his brother’s dick in the same room as him, let alone have to listen to _his boyfriend_ talk about his big brother’s dick.

Dean threw back his head and honest-to-god _laughed_. "Yeah, I'm on board with that. Sammy, shut up and sit down, and stop making out with a legal adult in my living room. Gabriel, stop molesting my brother. He’s three years younger than you, that’s practically pedophilia. Cas, get in here and hug me."

He started to dish up pancakes onto plates and grabbed the butter and syrup before wrapping himself around the boyfriend that had somehow magically appeared behind him.

"Love you babe," he whispered into Cas's ear before he pulled back and brought breakfast over to the table. "Top your own damn pancakes and dig in," he announced, pouring a frankly alarming amount of syrup on top of his six-high stack.

Cas couldn't quite believe how much warmth he felt looking around the table. The entire table was bathed in an air of love and happiness and there was a smile on every face. He quickly made his own stack - only 4 pancakes high, he was doing better than Dean - and drizzled a generous amount of syrup on top, watching with glee as it ran off the edges of the top pancake and dribbled down the edges.

God, he fucking loved Dean. And his pancakes.

"Well, whatcha waitin' for?" Dean demanded as he watched his boyfriend hesitate to cut into his breakfast. "Made these 'specially for you, you gotta enjoy 'em. For me, babe." He tossed a pair of pitiful puppy eyes at him to make him feel bad and then laughed. "Yeah, learned that trick from Sammy."

He smacked his brother in the stomach. "Love you, bitch," he muttered.

"Yeah, love you too, jerk," Sam replied, digging his fingers into Dean's hair and pulling on it, hard.

"Ow!" Dean shouted, jumping away and rubbing at his scalp. "Dude, what the fuck?"

Cas laughed as he took a bite of his pancakes. He was really, incredibly, hilariously whipped. It was almost funny. He would do anything for Dean and that scared him, but not as much as they thought of losing Dean scared him.

"They really are some dangerous eyes." Cas said with a laugh, before Sam grabbed Dean's hair causing him to wince in sympathy. He couldn't quite tell whether it was brotherly teasing or an actual argument and when he turned to look at Gabe, he looked just as confused as Cas was.

Sam stuck out his tongue at his brother, awkwardly kissed the top of his head, then smiled at Gabe and walked away to change out of his bathrobe. Dean looked after him passively.

"Hm," he muttered. "That's just Sammy for ya."

He shoveled another huge bite of pancake into his mouth. And then he looked back, and Gabriel was following his boyfriend, and Cas was sitting there eating Dean's pancakes, and it took his breath away for a minute. Cas was so beautiful and perfect.

"I can't stop thinkin' about you," he admitted. "'S like you're stuck in my head."

Cas laughed gently, "and you're in mine." He shoveled another bite of bite of pancakes into his mouth before giving in to the urge, standing up and walking over to Dean's seat. He leant down and kissed Dean and he tasted like syrup and pancakes and that taste which was just so Dean and he knew he would never get bored of this, of finally being able to just kiss Dean, because he felt like it. Not because it was a mistake.

"I love you," Dean murmured happily into his mouth. "I'm so glad I have you. I can't live without you." And as the two of them sat in the dining room, kissing, holding each other, he finally believed he was important. He finally let himself have something.

And never, for the rest of his life, was he going to let it go.

**Author's Note:**

> aLKJDF;LFAJFJSDFJKLFJKLEA ain't that a rollercoaster? BUT THEY'RE TOGETHER AND HAPPY BECAUSE THE ONLY ANGST WE DO AROUND HERE IS ANGST WITH A HAPPY ENDING.
> 
> ~~I know you all know that's not true but let me have this~~
> 
> SO MUCH LOVE,  
> -Fake Dean (and Summer too)


End file.
